Emotional support is hardest to find when it is most needed.

Who do I turn to when I need a sounding board, when I need to be listened to, so that I can sort things out for myself? Strategy, of course, can be developed alone. I don’t have to talk through putting a starter in the truck. I just need to figure it out and do it. For many of the important issues we face, however, strategy or ‘doing’ in general cannot help us. Emotions are different than strategy, because they are not in our heads, and so they are not directly accessible to our will. The social issues that come to us through the subtle emotions cannot be thought through and planned out. Strong emotions, on the other hand, when they visit us, tend to sweep away our plans. Many people find the discomfort of strong emotions to be overwhelming. So they concentrate on strategy and doing. They develop the habit of reframing every challenge in intellectual terms. But such choices are unsustainable in the long run, because they avoid opportunities for shared understanding, which forestalls the necessary social development that shared understanding would allow.

To access emotions takes time; it takes a safe, prepared space; and most of all, it takes support. Someone who is capable of supporting you in this way may not be a family member, or a friend. This is why therapy is productive for many people, because they have found someone who will listen, who knows how to listen, and who knows what to listen for. A therapist learns how to stay with you, and encourage your expression. Therapy, however, is expensive, and mainly suited for healing crisis. Therapy serves as a bridge back into daily life. Sustained emotional support from someone you are close with is the kind you can count on, because it has manifested organically. This is the kind of support that will prevent crisis.

Such support can only come from someone you have a relationship with, someone who shares a facet of your life. Of course, if you are married, the very success of the marriage will depend on these skills. Yet, caring, and wanting alone will not accomplish a stable relationship. Emotional support is a social skill, and it must be practiced, if we are to grow into the full potential of our social life. But even then, it is unwise to depend on your primary relationship for all your emotional support. If, as you read this, you instinctively understand how support works in your own life, then you have acquired a social skill there is no substitute for. For the rest of us, however, we need to find such a friend. So where do we start?

The answer is, we don’t find them, we make them, by offering our own support to others. When we begin to notice, we are constantly presented with opportunities to connect with another. When a fortunate moment presents itself with our friends or family members, we encourage the speaker to give us their best, to consider and express the personal truth of their life as it is today. In other words, by our replies, and our guiding questions, we can ask them to cut down on the story, and give us the real stuff. This sort of exchange is, of course, not the norm, and it takes both opportunity and work to bring it about. But it only takes a little success to see the benefits firsthand. A single meeting can give relief from stress, and some much needed perspective. It may also result in developing the kind of friendship that can offer meaningful support for you both.

As you search for this kind of friendship, be aware that emotional support can start out as casual conversation. Such moments can identify a friend who is capable of speaking from the heart, and who trusts you enough to try. But after a couple of heartfelt conversations, it will be necessary to speak openly about the process itself, to make some agreements, and then to show up for the work, knowing in advance the purpose of the meeting. Such an agreement becomes a positive force in our lives, because of the atmosphere we purposely create for each other when we sit down together.

Some of our acquaintances have experience with this kind of support, while others might begin with a simple curiosity for what is being suggested. Experience is not everything. Often we discover a great sensitivity, when the right moment presents itself. But this work is not for everyone. We all encounter others in various stages of their development, and everyone proceeds at their own pace. Our job is not to ‘take them on’, but rather to simply keep looking for the willing, the able, the open and ready. We will find that we are surrounded by people who are moved to talk about their strong feelings, about their frustrations, and difficulties. You can offer them an opportunity to speak to you authentically by creating a safe place. If there are no interruptions, they have room to collect their thoughts, and begin to share their feelings that are underneath their most pressing experiences. As part of our agreement for support, it will be necessary to have a clear understanding that none of this will be repeated outside of these meetings. By showing our respect for another in this way, we have set the stage for real emotional support to begin in our own lives, a process that is arduous, but rewarding in a way there is no substitute for.

When we have our agreements in place, then when we get together, we know why we are here. When we express our gratitude for the gift of each other’s heartfelt connection, our meetings move to the next level of understanding, where we can begin to work directly on our support skills. Those support skills are centered on listening. Needless to say, the listening we do here is not the same as the offhand way we follow a friend’s story, or get directions to the freeway. In general, few people listen like they mean it, and why should they? Without authentic support, speaking from the heart lays you open to judgment, to ridicule and dismissal. The kind of listening we need here can only come with practice, and such practice can only occur in the kind of safe emotional climate we are attempting to provide.

When the other begins to move on the inside, their speech expresses that movement, and we listen intently. We notice how uncomfortable we ourselves feel as we stay open to their discomfort. This is the work. Allow their discomfort to be our discomfort, and to not turn aside, or comment. Hold the space for their emoting, while keeping them from becoming distracted. We put everything we have into this kind of listening, because we put ourselves into it. We feel it, we inhabit the other’s strong feelings, and we share their effect in the moment.

We are listening for personal truth, plainly spoken. We practice; we learn to recognize heartfelt expression, and we see what makes it so potent. When someone speaks authentically, they are not blaming, or hoping. They inhabit that middle ground where they can talk without self-editing, and just let it out. They come to feel and accept the conditions of their experience, as it comes through them. The middle ground is where we can know ourselves a little better, because we are being seen and recognized. When our turn comes, we speak out, from the inside, and find words for our frustrations. We are heard by another who has been there, who knows that what you feel is real for you. There always seems to be a part of it that they can relate to. Our emotions may be ours alone, but when we own them, and show them, change begins. It is this change that creates a relief at first and room for greater aliveness in the long run. It is this incredible shift that occurs- a kind of change that our active listening can promote.

As we build the relationships of our support, we get better and better at holding ourselves open by listening for the other’s authentic expression. In our meetings, we are constantly looking for the doorway to personal change, and when we find it, the door stays open for both the speaker and the listener alike. Often it feels as if the speaker was going through an eerily similar experience to one we deeply resonate with. When we listen, the speaker, in fact, does some of our own work for us.

As our experience grows, we have learned to not criticize the other’s expression, not because we are being polite. But because we realize that they are the authority on their own experience, and we are here to have them express it, and to learn from their expression, just as it comes to us. When the speaker is in touch with a strong current, and follows it along, then certain connections become clear to them, as they voice them, often for the first time. This is what we are looking for, for the speaker expressing what it’s like for them right now.

Here are a few suggestions that may help us to recognize what we need to look for. As the speaker takes a turn, look for the shape of the emotion behind the words. The speaker may be filled with strong feelings, but what is he doing with them? Is he pushing emotions into the room? If he is telling us what he should have done, or showing regret, look for where he takes these emotions. There is a distinct difference in pushing our frustration rather than keeping with it. Pushing keeps the speaker hooked into reasons and causes- people and events. The speaker may show emotion, but when they are talking ‘about’ it, they are not reliving it. Reliving, being in the present with the feelings directly, is where the change can be found. Blame and regret are not instruments of positive change. Feeling without fixing is the place to begin. It is best to keep in mind, however, that the idea of surrendering to your feelings is nearly impossible to picture. These words are just a place to start. Seeing the difference comes from our actual exchange of experiences.

Keeping it real draws the listener in. You can see for yourself how authentic expression makes us better listeners. When the speaker feels it, we are carried along. As the sharing continues, you may recognize a particularly powerful moment. As you recall such a moment, notice the intensity of your own attention. Recall the way you tend to lean in close, as the intensity develops. Recalling those moments, a pattern begins to emerge. When the speaker is present in themselves, we more easily open to them. We sense that this is the real thing, and we perk up. So, just as our listening practice creates a space for the speaker to gather their thoughts, the speaker also compels us to listen more carefully. One reinforces the other. When we see a change come over the other, it confirms that we are not alone in our struggles. Real change can begin now- a change that we, as individuals choose by doing the work of developing an authentic expression, while offering the same support to others.

If this description creates more questions than it answers, you are in good company. This overview cannot explain the process of developing emotional support in one’s life. Such a process will need to be discovered as you go. In doing so, you are likely to recognize some of the landmarks mentioned here, but when you reach them, they will be your own. As you struggle to pay attention when it is needed the most, the discomfort you allow in will become a lasting treasure. By holding the space and becoming part of the other’s completion, you will come to realize that you deserve real, lasting, authentic support in your own life. As you discover this completion in your own moment of expression, the benefit you expected will be realized. But to receive the complete benefit, you need to experience the positive effect your own support has on someone else. Also, don’t stop with one. Support is most effective when you spread it around.

Of course, you could say that you don’t have time for all these meetings. Making these arrangements in your life will take work, work that you will only do when the benefits outweigh the inconvenience of change. When that begins to happen, however, many previous activities either fall away, or are pushed to the background. Most people don’t show it, but everyone is hungry to be understood, to be felt, to be heard, and for their life experience to be taken seriously, as they express it. When we begin to see the reality of that expression in ourselves and others, our priorities change, we show up for support, because it matters, and because we see the positive effect our contribution has on the people we have come to know and care for.